Say Astronaut!

A story reported today by dashing Don Lemon [one of my very favourite CNN personalities - I really should make a chart of how I feel about CNN people for those of you playing along @ home] indicated that only a handful of states allow people to smile while they are being photographed for their driver's licenses [okay, the story was actually about how face recognition technology and databases are working to prevent identity theft - it's pretty neat]. This really, really would have helped me back when I was being photographed for both my passport and my health card [that's right Americans - with our evil socialized medicine we must submit to photos and carry a card - it's really quite the burden]. It has only been in recent years that we were forbidden to smile. Way back when I did have a partial driver's license I took that photo dozens of times as my ex-boyfriend's family owned the license place. I looked stunning, if not fully prepared to operate a motor vehicle.

But then, the day came when the government decided to regulate our smiles away. That's the day that Canada got a whole lot uglier. I can say with the utmost of confidence that my passport photo is the worst photo ever taken of any human ever in the history of the world. Without hyperbole. I mean, people yuk it up and say - oh, my photo is just awful, yadda yadda yadda. I battle back with a simple presentation of my passport - I whip it out. To shock and awe. I've had people physically recoil @ the site of my terrible visage. Thankfully, I've also had officials question whether it's really me. I can't seem to get a clear photo of it without also photographing my sensitive passport information, so you will have to trust me. My new-ish health card photo is similarly terrible, although slightly less so. I look severely drugged...which might be okay because if I'm @ the doctors or hospital I'm probably not @ the top of my game, so it's apt.

But how did this passport atrocity happen? Well, several contributing factors. In my previous passport, smiling was still allowed. Now, after living with braces and other assorted orthodontics for seven+ years I rarely if ever "smile with teeth", but I do have a cute lopsided grin or smirk that I bust out with frequency. That's how I am in my old passport - cute smile, pigtails and my cool motorcycle jacket. The monster in my new photo is quite the stunner and, while I'm not even five years older, I look extremely haggard. I had just got an excessively sassy haircut days before and it really looked like a million bucks on me. However, it did require the sideswept bang thing to happen. I was informed by the photographer that there was to be nothing covering my face so my bangs were brushed away, creating a really hideous messy little boy hairstyle [also I had to take off my glasses, which I wear 98% of the time]. Also, I was sweaty. It was December and I was in a shopping mall after a long day of work - so my makeup had long since been absorbed and the heat was extremely high in the mall and I had full winter gear on. So I'm all shiny. Then, the photographer positioned me in such a way that actually made my neck appear thicker than my head. Finally - wipe that smile off your face missy, this is srs bsns! Bleh. At least it's in black and white - it's a real classic. I can't wait until the magical expiry date of February 2010.