Near-Life Experience

In my previous blog I spoke a bit cryptically about my near-death experience. I'm not really going to expand on the specifics here unless my arm is twisted [because I'm not embarassed by it - despite it making me *way* more white trash than elitist] and I suspect no one really cares. Anyway, I refer to today as my re-birthday, making today my 15th re-birthday. The thing is, my near-death experience occurred when I was 15 years old, so now the new me is as old as the old me. And now it will always be in the way, way behind in terms of life experience. And while I can hold a memory and a grudge like no one's business - I do feel as though I have really let this go. Also, it makes me realize that I don't think I will ever be a "real adult" or at least that I'm not one right now. I did think I was very mature when I had my near-death experience...but the fact that I had it at all not only targets me as a very unclassy lassy, but shows that I was a complete child [not that adults don't make those very same mistakes - and maybe it is the mistakes that make us grow?]. But the thing is, fifteen years down the line I'm still not "there," yknow? I look back on myself five years ago or even one year ago and I think - oh god, I'm an idiot. So I guess I kinda like that I have the excuse of being fifteen again.

And I do make the same mistakes over and over again, so it's not like I'm awesome @ learning my lesson [it's one of my worst qualities]. But as I've become more self aware [and no one does navel gazing quite like me] I've also become more aware of how things that I think are "all about me" are really anything but. When I had my near-death experience I was very into myself - and not only my physical pain and my embarassment, but my ability to handle this all by myself and my conviction that I was entirely okay and could handle this alone. And, maybe that was for the best @ that time - I never did get my intervention or anything like that.

I lost really great friendships because of this incident [and gained some great ones too]...but I was too busy saying "frak all y'all" to get that I was the a-hole. I might have also been in various forms of pain, but I was also being an a-hole. And my family - I can't imagine what they went through. I used to use the doctor's prediction of my death as evidence in my "I told you I was hardcore" arguments. Without really thinking about what that statement and handshake might have done to them - not just on that night, but for many other nights [nights when I didn't call and didn't come home until 4am and just regular days when I went to school...basically anytime I was out of sight]. Thankfully my family isn't really the touchy feely type so I don't have to call them up and say that I'm sorry for being an a-hole - it's really not what we do, nor do I expect it for any of their wrongdoings [passive aggressiveness is great for us lazy, easily embarassed folk]. Many of these people are no longer in my life for one reason or another...but for those of you that are, please know that I'm really working on the whole a-hole thing.